Speaker 0:00

Welcome to Overcoming Anything, the podcast where we dive deep into stories of resilience, transformation, and growth. I'm your host, Anne Ez, and today we have an incredible guest who has overcome waiting for permission. Joining me today is Ren Valentino, a film reviewer, a film scholar, screen writer and curator of classics whose work celebrates classic cinema storytelling and creative courage to follow your passions without waiting for permission. So welcome to the show Run.

Speaker 2 0:27

Thank you very much.

Speaker 0:28

Absolutely. So before we dive in, I always love to ask, what's one quote or mantra that keeps you going in tough times?

Speaker 2 0:35

Oh, definitely. My favorite quote, by Eleanor Roosevelt, which is no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. I just hold that very true to my heart of knowing ourself and our worth and our value in our own eyes is far greater and importance than in others lives. And just knowing that you have. You should have a seat at every table that you feel you should be seated at.

Speaker 0:56

I love that. My father always used to say that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. And that's really important to remember, especially in these days of like social media when people are posting their work and other people making all these negative comments. You just gotta let it go. So with that said, what does waiting for permission mean to you personally?

Speaker 2 1:15

Waiting for permission for me, like that phrase makes me take pause because it makes me think about the necessity of waiting for permission versus not waiting for permission, giving ourselves permission. The phrase, waiting for permission makes me wonder who am I waiting for permission from myself or from someone else. And why would that permission be greater in value or significance than the permission I'm giving to myself or can give to myself? Which I feel like. For many years I was a, self prescribed people pleaser, probably without even realizing I was a people pleaser, and especially in the industry that I work in. You want to say yes to opportunity and to be, as bendable and flexible and be a tree as much as you can. Because you're worried about the repercussion of the consequences of saying no. Of, of saying, no, this is not for me. Or waiting for somebody to tell you. When it's your time to shine or thrive or step up or rise up or level up, instead of doing those things on your own and finding that ability to do so within, it's not easy. It's certainly not easy, especially we're conditioned to hold the value, the acknowledgement, the appreciation, the, being seen by people that were really wanting to be seen and have that, that appreciation from, or that acknowledgement from, and sort of chasing after that and how exhausting that can be. Instead of taking all of that energy and really just turning it within and saying, you know what, I, I can do this without permission. I can, I don't have to wait for that. I don't have to wait for somebody to tell me that I'm good enough or that I'm talented enough or that I'm deserving of. A higher level of success than I'm currently at. And I feel like once you take back that power, if you will, and hold it within and really let that be the fire that fuels you in a really good, positive way, I don't feel like, a lot of people are out to prove and so forth, and I get that. I get that drive for sure, but I feel when you think about really just proving it to yourself, I can accomplishment, I can do the things, achieve the things that I've wanted to achieve since I was 12 years old, for example. You know, and holding that is that's the map and the path to move you forward. And waiting for permission also reminds me too, of the, necessity to get out of our own way. Of, turning off that inner critic. And really, quieting the voices that tell you that you're not good enough and so forth. I think that can be so detrimental, not just to a creative artist such as myself, but I think anyone who's wanting to quote unquote think outside of the box or do something that's not considered mainstream or not conventional in some way. I'm, when I think about all the great, writers and inventions and rule breakers and all those people before myself, that sort of paved the way for that mentality. If they hadn't been those risk takers. We wouldn't have been able to appreciate so many things in the world. Inventions, all the, the list is very long about people who have taken risk and proven everybody wrong. That's great.

Speaker 4:05

So some people were raised where they had to ask their parents for permission in order to do things, of course there was always, some kids that were just like, I'm just gonna do whatever I want. I'm not listening to mom or dad, but for those. people that were raised waiting for permission from their parents when they were younger. When they get older, sometimes it's hard for them to take that risk to step out, and even if their parents pass away, sometimes they could still find ourselves waiting for someone to validate their idea or give them permission to go for their dreams. So how did you overcome that, and when did you decide enough? I'm giving myself permission.

Speaker 2 4:42

Oh, that's such an excellent question. I definitely understand that conditioning that you're talking about, especially in what I do, it's, living a creative life is not traditional in many wings and I don't have creative parents. And I admire them for the things that they do, obviously, but. I think for them it was bewildering of you wanna do what with your life? Why would you wanna do that kind of thing? And so getting past all of that, I think was really important. And when you grow up or when you find yourself or when, you're, in your life journey, especially professionally, and you choose to do something that is not a traditional profession, basically nine to five. So a trajectory, a very, very stepped kind of path. It can raise some eyebrows, it can raise some concern and very difficult to do. It was very difficult for me to do, which is whose life are you living? Are you living their life? Are you living your own life? And that, I think is where the challenge lies when you're conditioned to, adhere. To a specific path that has been prescribed, right? Your, your mom was a teacher, your dad was a dog. Like, all these things that you're expected to do A, B, and C that's in the family lineage, if you will. Or, and when you veer off, you've gotta have that wherewithal, to stand on your own. I did like the black sheep of the family syndrome, a little bit of everyone's doing these more traditional things you've this one child in the family was like, no, not me. I'm gonna go do this and follow my heart and my creative spirit and all those things and make the most of it. It was challenging for me, I was really, very early in my career, I was writing and creating to please not just parents or family members or friends or loved ones. It was more about. Feeling like I needed to fit into a certain box and to follow all of those sort of expectations within that predestined kind of path. I was writing very safe stuff. I was writing very commercially viable things because the focus at the time of the team that I had, creative team that I had was about mainstream success, and that was sort of the focus. And so I wasn't telling. The stories that I wanted to tell that were really in my heart, and how I got to that place. I was actually teaching, in an MFA creative writing program in Louisville, Kentucky. And, I was talking with a fellow writer, very established, celebrated writer. And I was talking about writing for young adult writing. I had written a lot, a couple of young adult novels in my career at that point, and that, that seemed to be where I was. Gonna stay in that lane. And she looked at me and she said, do you write those books for your younger audience? Are you writing those books for your younger self?

Speaker 7:04

Wow.

Speaker 2 7:04

And it was such a, it was such a life changing, creative, changing question for me, because I'd never thought it was such a simple question, but I hadn't thought about who am I writing for? Who am I doing this for? Who am I. Getting up in the morning at 5:00 AM and staying up to all hours to get that final draft turned into my head. Who I'm burning all this midnight oil for? For what? For what purpose? And it changed everything for me. And I went back to my work and I started looking. I was like, these are not the books that I wanted to read when I was a younger person. So I'm gonna write those, I'm gonna write the books that I needed and wanted. And sought out when I was a young person, and it really made me start to write from a place of truth, no one else's truth, but my truth. And that was so empowering, quite honestly, because I had some commercial success. And of course, when you have some commercial success, there's a lot of pressure to maintain that or sustain that and not

Speaker 7:55

Right.

Speaker 2 7:55

Mix up that recipe.

Speaker 7:57

Yeah, no,

Speaker 2 7:58

I get that. And I'm like, Nope, we're gonna, we're gonna stir things up a little bit. So it was definitely not easy to do, but so worth it because. The entire creative process changed for me, like psychologically, like I, because I was writing from such a deeper place of honesty, of authenticity because I was writing for my true self and not versions of myself that other people wanted as opposed to what I wanted. And, yeah, it was scary. It was, I get that. Not easy.

Speaker 8:24

And that pivot is what led to your highest selling or highest grossing book so far, correct?

Speaker 2 8:29

Yeah. I wrote a, a young thank you for that. Yeah. I wrote a young adult novel called Marijuana Mermaid. Very provocative title of course. But and gosh, I probably spent about 15 years writing that, that novel before I felt. It was ready. I was so determined. It was, it's a story about a young woman who's a young woman in high school who's impacted by her parents are divorced. Her dad lives in a little seaside town in California. Her mom lives in Chicago. She does something really bad at school in Chicago, gets in trouble, gets go sent to go live with her father, who she doesn't know very well. So it's a lot about reconnection and family in the family unit and re-identifying yourself as a child of divorce, all these kind of things. And she is befriended by the two most popular girls in school. She's never really felt herself as being popular, fitting in. And and there's consequences along the way, of course. So I wrote the book and it was very true to, I knew. During the process that the book, craft wise, was definitely some of my strongest writing to date. I felt like it was a very, I told the story in the best way that I could, and I knew that there was gonna be an audience there. So we started to shop the book, or we sent the book out. Gosh, it was probably about a three year process total. And we kept getting nos. We kept getting, yes, the story is there, but the, the content is just, we're worried about putting this up for young people, and I thought, okay. I get that. I get that concern. But there are young people that are experiencing the things that the characters are experiencing in the book. And there'll be a point of connection. I know, but I hung in there. I believed in that book. Like I championed the cause of that book. 'cause no one else was going to champion the cause of my book except for me because I love that book more than anyone else. 'cause I had created it.

Speaker 10:01

How did you not give up?

Speaker 2 10:03

It was really hard. There were many tears, many nights of I don't wanna be a writer anymore. I'm going to, go back to school and get a completely different degree. I didn't even read. I'm a huge reader, voracious, I read every single day and I just was so convinced that, the nos that I was getting, the responses I was getting to the work were somehow connected with my ability to be a storyteller that I was equivalating the rejection with the overall rejection of myself, me, my creativity, my talent, my ability to have a seat at the publishing table and in the publishing arena. And I just, and I was shutting down. I was literally shutting down. My whole creative. Process was just done. And, I had a Facebook message, a social media message from a young man I think he was 15 and had read one of my novels previous to marijuana Mermaid called Swimming to Chicago. And in the novel, the young characters dealing with his mother's suicide and the characters Armenian American. And this young man his school librarian, had introduced my book to him, identity, and he sent a message. Talking about his own, suicide attempts, and he started out the mess, was like, dear, I just read your book. I wanna let you know that I've tried to kill myself five times and I'm like, you're 15, but your book changed my life. And it was in that moment I got that email probably at the lowest. Moment for myself, I was in this sort of vat of self pity. Understandable. Nothing wake you out more and pulls you out of that than oh, there's a greater purpose to what I do than just my own Right. And up until that point, I had been really focused on sales and marketing and best and all those things that the accolades right. And not the story I was, had not been paying. And I, and it was such a powerful moment for me. As a person and as a writer, and as somebody who just believes in the greater good of humanity. And I kept going back to that message and of course I wrote back, I, because I'm not a psychologist or a counselor, I wanna make sure that this young person had a support system and resources. And he did. He was good.

11:54

That's

Speaker 2 11:54

good. But reading that letter and what he shared it and in such a vulnerable way, really, we reawaken something within me and I completely, and I paired that with sort of that. No longer waiting for permission from other people. I was like, okay, if only one person connects to whatever I write next, whether it be marijuana, mermaid, or another book, then I've done what I'm supposed to do in terms of being a writer as opposed to those other goals that were fed to me. And I allowed that and it changed everything. And that is when. I literally got out of my bed because that's where I was living for a couple of weeks after the rejection. Constant rejections were, and you know, you dust yourself off, you get back up. You get back to that computer, you sit back down and you look at that empty page, that blank page on the computer screen, and you start typing and you start telling, it's not great words. It doesn't have to be perfect words, but you just know that is what you're supposed to do. That there's stories that live within. That people need and want and you're really doing a disservice to those folks you've never even met before with, if you keep those stories to yourself. Especially, I was so fortunate that I had the channel, the platform to tell those stories, and I reinvigorated myself and I thought, okay, this story has gone. Two months later, almost to the date I got connected with an all female publishing company based in Los Angeles.

Speaker 13:12

Wow.

Speaker 2 13:13

Who had read my novel Marijuana Mermaid and they became the publish. I ended up publishing four novels with them as a great working relationship for about three years. And they published Marijuana Mermaid and did some great marketing, very ingenious, kinda creative marketing behind it. And it was my 11th novel. And within the first three months of Marijuana Mermaid being released in its first edition it outsold all 10 novels I'd written previous to that point. It had purpose and truth and authenticity. Absolutely. And 15 years of craft behind it and it had determination. I mean, that book should just be called grit, to be honest.

Speaker 13:46

I love

Speaker 2 13:46

it. It took a lot of grit. It took a lot of grit, I use that moment it for myself as, okay, don't never doubt your work again, never, you know your work better than anyone else. You know your audience, you know how to tell a good story, you know what's important in those elements. And now I was in this place. I had, this young guy's message in my mind. And then that, other stuff that was sort of floating back there too. The question I had been posed by my colleague and while I was teaching about writing for my younger self, and so all of that kind of mixed together in this really beautiful way and just became the only thing that I needed to continue on and then to give myself permission. To try other things that I'd not tried before creatively. Acting, film review and all the things that you had talked about in the intro that I wanted to do that were living there inside of me. But I was like, no, I just need to be this one thing. I just need to be a writer and I don't wanna be a multihyphenate because people, think that's just, you're all over the place. But I was like, no, I'm gonna dismiss all of that. And I'm gonna go with what I wanna do and start to, to do, to start to explore the things creatively that I wanna do. And everything that I do is connected to storytelling at the heart. Whether I'm playing a role in a film, or I'm writing a screenplay or a stage play, or whatever. It's all about story. And I had to. Really embrace that life and say, okay, this is what I am. I'm a storyteller at heart, so

Speaker 15:05

I love it. Permission granted. So what role has storytelling played in helping you understand your own life?

Speaker 2 15:11

Oh gosh. Wow. For, for so long, for, so I don't know how for so long it is, but for it's, it feels like a long time. But for, so I kept shying away from material that felt too close to home or felt too personal or too vulnerable. And I kept fictionalizing and stuff would start to appear and a lot of my supporting characters and subplots and. I have a really wonderful editor I worked with for six years. She's just extraordinary. And she had read a first draft of something of mine and she's like, why are you not writing this? She pointed to certain plots a plot. Why are you not writing this? Like, why are you not, why are you not doing this? And she is like, you're not doing yourself a service as a true storyteller if you're censoring. Your own stories, you're literally veering away from the dark stuff or the not so nice stuff or the messy stuff. And people want that and your characters need to experience. And she, she gave me a, talking to as good editors do, and I listened and I paid attention. And I said, okay. And then again, it went back to the authenticity. It went back to okay. How do I look at my life and the things that I've been through? Both good and bad, quite honestly, right? The highs and the lows, the people that have helped shape my life, right? The lessons that I've learned along the way. I've had incredible mentors and teachers and even librarians that have literally shaped who I am today. And I went back to those places in my life of like those true. Points of connection. I remember, when I was very young in junior high school and I was 13, very, very successful young adult author came to my school and I loved her books. I had devoured every book that this norm, Norma Fox Majors, her name, sadly, she's no longer, she's passed since, but they said, Norma Fox, major guest, author coming for school and you can have lunch with her in the school library. I thought. Score. Score championed that po. They only picked 10 students, and I was like, like nothing else mattered in my 13-year-old life than getting chosen to have lunch with the Fox Major. At that point, of course I was 13 and had not published any, anything. I had written out stories by hand on like the line paper from grade school, junior high school kind of thing. And I drawn like really awful, with Crayola markers, covers for my little short stories. And I got picked to have lunch with her. I was the 10th student, but I got in there

Speaker 17:18

Excellent.

Speaker 2 17:19

And, I remember and she, here was this adult. Doing something very successfully that I realized for the first time I could, this is a job. I could literally do this as a career, as a thing. Here's this person. Who is a grownup who's doing what I wanna do. And she tells stories for a living. And I didn't have words or again, didn't, not coming from a creative family. It was really not part of our vernacular, in our household. And so here was this, my first introduction to somebody who was doing it, and I took my story to her and I said, Norma Foxx Maser, I just, I wanna be a writer like you. And she looked it, she's like, you already are. What validation? It was so validating and I had never had that valid. I was young, 13, so you probably shouldn't have had, but I had it in that moment and. I published my first short story two years later when I was 15 because of that thing. And I never stopped and went from there. And thankfully I was able to go back and have a conversation with her and her daughter and just all these really beautiful things came out of that. But, and so I just, held onto that and I think about that moment and then when I'm able to do those types of things in my own life is those points of connections when I have people coming to me looking for that validation, looking for that acknowledgement, wanting to be seen. I teach a lot and I have students in my classes who have not given them themselves permission to even own the word writer. There's some sort of shame to it, or there's some sort of, you know, admonishment to it of like, no, I'm really this, but I'm doing this on the side, or this is my secret hobby. I had a, a student who, and I was like, why is it secret? Why are we keeping this a secret? You're really good at what you do. You need to tell people about this,

Speaker 18:51

Right.

Speaker 2 18:51

And, I think just like giving others, or not giving them the permission because who am I to give anyone permission, but leading them to that place of discovery, of permission for themselves. Oh, I love that. Is so rewarding for me because I have those moments in my life of people posing important questions to me and those, and reaching out and sharing their vulnerability and, a writer who came to my junior high school when I was 13, who literally changed my life. So from my own life, I try to find ways to use that storytelling moniker title in different ways to move other people forward to that place of permission for themselves. Because I know once I got to that place of permission, it changed everything for me in a really good, glorious way and wow. So grateful for that because if it hadn't happened I don't know where I'd be, quite honestly, creatively and professionally, I think I'd be in a rut, right? And writing stuff that I really didn't care about. And the end of the day when you have the opportunity to make that choice, I always seem. Take it, make it.

Speaker 19:48

Absolutely. So for someone who was in midlife and they feel like they put their own dreams on hold for marriage, family, career, caregiving, or even survival, where do they begin to start to give themselves permission?

Speaker 2 20:01

There's a great quote. I don't remember who said, but start today with what you have and literally sit down today and start writing or just doing something that you want to do. Right. I think that's so difficult. I think what you're talking about is common and frequent. I think it's about when you have to be a lot of things to a lot of people within your world and parts of yourself are given to the, being a, a spouse, being a parent, being a caretaker to your own parents, being the many things that, you know, an employee. Employee, you've gotta show up and go to work and pay bills and all. At the end of the day, there's very little left of you because you've had to give away so much of yourself to so many other people to make them move forward.

Speaker 20:37

Exactly.

Speaker 2 20:38

It's going to feel selfish, it's going to feel in self-indulgent, it's gonna feel all those things, but it's so important. I feel like that is one of the hardest things for people to do, is to do something specifically just for themselves and giving themselves permission to do that. And. It's very, it's so challenging because you might feel like, if you're going to your loved ones and saying, I need 30 minutes a day for writing time by looking at you like, why do you, why are you doing and you have to just. Dig your heels in and stick to it because 30 minutes a day of writing time over time is going to lead, can lead to some extraordinary things, not just in the form of a story, but in the form of yourself because you're doing something. That you love to do. And that's really the joy. Mm-hmm. That's really where the joy comes in. The reward is I get to get up every day and do something that I absolutely love to do. Had to fight for that.

Speaker 21:30

Right.

Speaker 2 21:31

But once you get to that place, it's so worth it because your day is then filled with. A different kind of bliss, I think, than any other, because your soul, your spirit is so fulfilled in a different way. It's so difficult to do that because we're tired people, we're busy people. We have to-do lists, right? That's the thing that we're writing, not our next novel or poem or screenplay stage play.

Speaker 21:53

So true.

Speaker 2 21:53

I know I'm focusing on writing, but there's so many different things that people love to do that they don't get time to do. There, there's great lesson out there about when you say, I'm too busy and you're changing that to, I'm choosing not to, I'm too busy to write today. And instead of changing that, that vernacular too, I'm choosing not to write today. Like I think sometimes psychologically

Speaker 22:12

I love

Speaker 2 22:13

that it, it retrains our mind and say, oh, I'm choosing not to write today. I do have 15 minutes. Yes, I'm very tired, but if I just sit down right now and write 200 words, maybe not the best words. They're gonna be there and they're gonna be there when I come back to them tomorrow. And then tomorrow I'm gonna write another 200 words, and at the end of the week I'm gonna have 1400 words. And that's, the beginning of something big. Again, I'm shaping this around writing, but it's painting, it's, all the different, and not just art forms too, maybe you wanna, you have all these wonderful recipes from your family and you've been always wanting to create a cookbook around them. Do that thing. Right. And start with that first recipe. You've gotta start where you are with what you have. It's so true. It's interesting too, like I feel like once we start to do those things, the universe hears us or sees us or acknowledges. And it's interesting like when you sit down and start to. To do things for yourself. I find it's really interesting that the universe, higher power, whatever you wanna call that responds and starts to bring opportunities or things or levels of support to you in a way that. You didn't even know existed. It's so wonderful to see that happen.

Speaker 23:13

It's like the law of attraction. Once you start the movement, then the universe is like, yes.

Speaker 2 23:18

Yeah. I call it the, I call it the, the beautiful boomerang. You throw that boomerang out into the world with hope and faith and positivity and all those good things that you need to put out in the world. And when it comes back to you and it comes back in ways that we.

Speaker 23:30

Least expect

Speaker 2 23:30

and you have to be so aware to acknowledge that's goodness coming back to me. So in different form, I absolutely love that, that law of attraction. You're absolutely right. And it's so amazing when that happens. And I think that's because we're radiating in a different way when we're in our light, right? When we're on our own light of doing the thing that brings us the most happiness. Not that writing is not, it is difficult at times, right? I'm, I don't want to paint a picture if I, it's, miles and joy every single day of the process. 'cause there, when I get, a chapter back from my editor and it's cut 80% of red marks across that, that's a tough day. But it does happen. But you just keep your eye on the overall goal, the overall purpose of what you do.

Speaker 24:08

So how do you know the difference between a dream that still belongs to you and a dream that you've outgrown?

Speaker 2 24:13

Oh I'm later in my career, so the dreams have shifted. I don't wanna say they've diminished. Some of the dreams that are still there, but I've been very fortunate in my life to have, achieved a lot of the things that I set out to do or wanted to do as a young person when I first started out meeting extraordinary people that I admired so forth, going to places that I'd always wanted to visit and having writing has taken me, on many journeys with people and places and so forth. But I think what you're talking about is personal evolution of like being really mindful of. Again, giving yourself permission. It's okay if your dreams change. It doesn't mean that the dream didn't have value or worth when you first dreamt it, but you can want different things. For me, that's, that certainly has happened through my life. Cer as I've gotten older, hopefully with age, has come a little bit of wisdom in hindsight. I feel like the things that I wanted then. Are not necessarily what I want now, because I think about if I would've gotten some of those things, quite honestly, my life would've been very different or gone in a different direction. And everything happened the way that it was supposed to. I feel really strongly feel that because it's okay to have those dreams and it's okay for those dreams to not happen. Right. And because it just means that you allowed yourself the chance to dream. And in that dreaming, I think we find out so much about who we are, our desires, our wants, our, manifestations of great success, or whatever that looks like, winning the lottery, whatever your dream is, right?

Speaker 25:39

Right.

Speaker 2 25:39

But then you have to give yourself that permission to say it's okay. A dream doesn't work anymore. I don't want that anymore. And recognizing that you've evolved as a person from that place and saying That was something I really wanted then, but now I want X, Y, Z instead. Might be a different version of the same dream, but it's just a variation of it slightly changed. I'm so keenly aware of that now 'cause I'm looking back, I'm at a place where I'm looking back at my, at a lot of my career now. Retrospectively in a really fun way of wow, the times you beat the odds. All those kind of things. And the downfalls too. I've definitely learned from those. But, and then thinking, gosh, wow, when I went 20 years ago, I really wanted X, Y, Z. And now I'm so glad they didn't get that because of where it would've taken me in a completely different direction instead of the journey that I've had. The journey that you have might not be the one that you thought you were going to have, but it's the one that belongs to you and it's the one you're supposed to have. I truly believe that. I,

Speaker 26:32

I do too.

Speaker 2 26:33

I think it's making those adjustments along the way. Okay, that wasn't meant for me. That was not supposed to be mine, but this is supposed to be mine, and I never even thought that this could be mine or would be mine. And so just re retraining the mind a little bit of living in a place of gratitude, of course, constantly, but recognizing why things happen and why things don't happen, or sometimes for a greater good than even we're aware of.

Speaker 26:54

So how can people start reclaiming joy when they've been living mostly out of obligation, like when we were talking about before and how people have, responsibility to their boss, to maybe caring for a parent, children, et cetera. How do they find that joy again in their life?

Speaker 2 27:09

It's very tough, especially if you've been living a certain way, I don't wanna say a joyless life, because then everybody's got joy. Sometimes we don't recognize, see it as joy, but it's there. I feel like like with anything, it starts small. You've got to start small. Don't overwhelm yourself. I think. I don't think we necessarily need to seek out oh, I'm gonna go find some joy today. Right. I think it's just a matter of recognizing those moments that are bigger than us of just walking through the park and the wind comes through the trees. That's just the right way, and you feel this moment of really being alive and attune with nature. That's a moment of joy, right? And just recognizing that for what it is. I was going and going and going and living this really frenetic pace a few years ago. What I started to do, I found moments in the day where I would, for five minutes, I would literally just do nothing. I would not look at my phone. I just sit in a complete pause, no communication, just in a room by myself and just allow the mind to quiet. It made me more in tune with mindfulness and it start, and I started to then see moments of joy even in that frenetic pace. Then what I started to do is I started to prioritize joy, and what I mean by that is when things would come into me, the filter that I would use was. Will this bring me joy? Does this bring me joy? Now some things I have to do, I have to pay bills, I have to go to the dentist. There are things that, that are not going to necessarily, but you can still find some moments in there. Right. And the human connection and those things that we're having to do, having a conversation with my dentist and finding out that she's going on her first vacation in five years, 'cause she works so hard. Like you can find those moments of joy with other people. I started to prioritize it. So when I started to make better, more intentioned choices around joy, like, no, this is not going to bring me any level of joy or, so I have the option to say no to it. I'm not going to sign up for that committee that I don't wanna serve on because it's going to take away my moments of joy. It's gonna also take away some writing time or some quiet time or some reading time. And just prioritizing it and not feeling bad about it. Right. We've gotta be selfish with our joy. I agree. It's hard to come by, right? It really isn't. I literally started, I still do this to this day, opportunities come in, will this bring me joy? Does this bring me? No. Okay. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. And if I have to do it, I say, how do I find the joy in this? What? What can I learn about myself, other people, the things that I do, my craft? How can I turn this into something that will benefit me in some great. And it might not always, it might just be something that's very slight and small, but I find like those quiet moments of quieting the mind. 'cause I feel when we get into that pace of just going and doing all those things for other people or chores or obligations. We feel like we're living for other people and serving. And not ourselves. And so just stopping the noise and turning it off and allowing ourselves just to be with ourselves for a few minutes every day. Meditation whatever you wanna call that. Yoga, whatever. But giving yourself that, those moments and allowing yourself to be present in those moments and realizing. I'm stopping everything around me for myself and allowing the joy to see Ben to, to this, and I, I just, that's what I said about starting small. Starting small, giving yourself a little bit of that each day. Will really help kind of anchor and settle. And then I, when I started doing that, I started to recognize joy in such a bigger way of oh, let me stop here and really enjoy this architecture of this beautiful building because man, this is just incredible. And you're just more, I feel like I'm more aware of those moments when they're happening or. Stopping myself to absorb those moments a little in a different way than I would've just walked right by the building in the past. cause I was hurrying off to the next thing. Being in that place in your life when you have to. Do so much and be so much, and again, there's so little left for you. I think that's one of the hardest existences to change. But once you do change it and put that effort into changing it, the rewards are so great. Even if it's just taking those few moments a day for yourself, you will feel it and it, and that's when you're, you'll be more empowered to get those other things done that you have to do to get to the things that you really want to do.

Speaker 31:04

So true. So when you finally gave yourself permission, what life lessons did giving yourself permission teach you?

Speaker 2 31:12

Oh, so many, but I'll pick a, I'm gonna pick a couple here. I started to think about I think it's Maya Angelou's, is that people will always remember how the way you made them feel. And I'm paraphrasing that wonderful, beautiful quote, but,

Speaker 31:25

it's all

Speaker 2 31:25

good. Yeah. But and that started to be my most important thing in my life was I intentionally made my circle much smaller. The people that are closest to me, I started to focus less on output and productivity and business and all of those things. And more on moments and significant moments with just another person. Really telling people, teachers, all those people that I talked about, family member, how much their support and guidance and all those things has meant and does mean. I recently gave myself a lot of permission to work less. I've been writing for, and in this industry for almost over 40 years. I, wow. I just turned 56 and I published at 15. And I've been working nonstop since then. I've worked on over a hundred films and Wow, you've written 20, 25 novels and 70 stage blades and just have this beautiful library of work, right? But I didn't want that, just the work to define me. I didn't want, when I leave. This great earth that, the work would be the thing that I would only be remembered by. I still want people to remember me as the person behind the work for sure. And I had to get to a point where I was like, you know what? The work is there and it can speak for itself and you don't have to continue to. Produce work at the level that you always have. Two years ago, I really slowed down because I was able to because I'd done all that work for those 40 years. The reason why I did that was very intentional is because. The unconventionality that we talked about earlier that I, the non-traditional miss of what I do is tough. It's tough on me, it's tough on my family. It's tough on my loved ones because I'm missing birthday party. I'm like, I'm missing some key things sometimes 'cause I'm traveling or I am over here on a book thing and I just want to exist. I just wanna live. I just wanna be able to not have that thing that has defined me for so long. Continue to define me and be the only thing that defines me. It'll always be a part of who I am, but I wanted a little bit more definition, so I started to do more things that bring me joy. I'm studying Italian, Wow, fantastic. I'm doing things that I've. I'm doing things, I'm collecting Nancy Drew books, I'm doing things that I've always wanted to do. That the thing I was doing that still brings me joy, had consumed so much of my time in life and energy that now I'm balancing in a different way. And that balance has been really fun to, to experience. And you know about evolution of self, gosh, all these things that. I have always wanted to do and now I'm giving myself permission to do them. Has been really so mind opening in a really, really cool way.

Speaker 33:47

Awesome. So looking back, what is the one thing you learned about yourself having gone through this whole experience of life?

Speaker 2 33:54

There were many times in my life when I doubted myself because I was looking for that validation from other places and people. And now when I look back I do have a really strong love of self and pride in the, and what I was able to accomplish, given what I started with. No resources, not very much. And all those people that I mentioned before helped along the way, the teachers, the mentors, the librarians, all, which I'm incredibly grateful for. But it always went back to self of making the decision to get up and do the writing, to show up, to sell, to promote, to do all the things that I had to do. I think for myself, what it really taught me was I. Being capable of more than I even realized. I was capable of giving myself the credit of you did that, you absolutely did that, and most of it you did on your own. And allowing myself to, it sounds a pat on the back, but, and it's not so much that, it's more of like that recognition of being stronger, being more resourceful, being more determined. All those things than even you realize that you are. It's definitely a form of self-love. It really is. When I think about it, it's just wow, proud of you, like conversations with self proud of you. You did this. Look at what you were able to achieve. When you didn't give up, look what happened, kind of thing. And just really acknowledging that of that cause for so long I was in that more negative head space of you're not good enough, you're not all, all those things. And being on the other side of that is just such a wonderful place to be and exists because, it's just a different, it's just a different life altogether. It's just a different mindset altogether. And so much I've learned along the way, as you can imagine. But that really is just all those wonderful things about being a proud of who you are.

Speaker 35:35

Well that is great. I really appreciate you sharing your story with us, Ron. And. Reminding us that if other people aren't giving us permission, it's okay to give ourselves permission. So where can people connect with you, follow your work find maybe all of your books? Are they on your website? Tell us more.

Speaker 2 35:51

Yeah, my books are available from all major booksellers, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, so forth. My website is red valentino.com. You can find out more about me there, as well as my links and so forth. And I'm also on social media. I encourage anybody to reach out. If I can help in some small way, I'm happy to do so.

Speaker 36:07

Excellent. And we'll go ahead and link his books and his website and socials down in show notes. So thank you so much for your time, Ren. I really appreciate it. Thank you. And if you found this episode helpful, please share with someone who might be facing a similar challenge and who needs to hear. It's okay to give yourself permission. So I'll see you next time on overcoming Anything.